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Thursday, May 9, 2019

Sadness In Time Silent Suffering


The other day I was scrolling my friends list...... and realized I had not heard from a very long term friend there...in quite some time. So I clicked her photo.... and got to her profile. I was truly dismayed to realize that she had died in January of cancer. I felt terrible. I didn't even know she was sick. She has followed me for many many years and been a loyal and loving friend. Today I got a note from another dear friend here. Someone who I identify with as a kindred soul, who expressed a desire to get closer and talk. I have rejected these types of interactions. Not because I don't care.....but because I know my own time is short. I find myself crying just writing this. Not out of sadness for myself, but the sorrow of knowing that one day soon, I will be the one who vanishes. So many wonderful people I will never again hear from. I went to shoot photos the other day. Happy that for the first time in a very long while I had the opportunity to do so. My income due to poor planning on my part was abysmally small, for 3 long years. It forced me to rely on those close to me for help and support. Not something as a proud man I accepted easily. Then suddenly I was lucky enough to get a small windfall from the government in my social security. It gave me back a sense of freedom and a real desire to make my last days count more. In personal happiness and in enjoying the world around me more. I bought things not caring if they made sense or were the "right thing" to do. Because often times the right thing.....isn't what makes us happy. I wanted to be able to take moments and simply enjoy them for what they are. I had met a man down on the waterfront close to my age. He asked me if I was a professional photographer. I kinda smiled and said no, I love to shoot pictures, because I know it pleases my hundreds of lady friends on Facebook. And I Really enjoy it. He got a quizzical look on his face and said.....Wow you don't have high expectations do you. I mentally laughed thinking about my success's here. Thinking about the times those far younger have laughed at my balding head, or my "old man" ways. Not really getting how really trivial they have allowed there own lives to become. Realizing they have no clue at how much it has meant to me over 10 years. Or how truly "out of touch" their lives are. Everyday I awake and kinda roll out of bed. Moaning in pain from my aging body. Forcing myself to start a pot of coffee. Turning on my computer and checking in here. I think about some of the things I have done on Facebook, good and bad. The friendships made, and some which I threw away. How absolutely wonderful it has been, and sometimes very sad.
I read the news everyday, worry about the future of the beautiful world we live in...slowly being choked to death by an ever growing population. The personal greed of so many in charge. Who's idea of a wonderful life is that of a day on a golf course... and a sumptuous lunch. Bodies of jelly which roll when they walk, not realizing how base and anti human their ideas really are. Striving constantly for more and more money. To then just die, and wonder on their death bed what it all really meant. I think about when they meet their maker, the creator of all things and what he will have to say to them. 
I was touched a very long time ago. by a hand I never really have completely understood. It has been neither logical nor quantifiable. Concepts that many assume to be a fallacy. Because they have never been personally confronted by this extraordinary and loving power. I get angry sometimes at the way things are done. Who they harm. And the reasons behind the behavior. I know in my heart I have tried. But often times feel like a failure. Not knowing for sure if I actually have made any difference at all. 
But I suppose what matters... is the effort. Not giving up nor giving in to what I know is wrong. That my last days are spent trying yet again. Changing my methodology to an ever changing world and the way those younger perceive it. Hoping out of Love that things will get better. That people can grow beyond a hamburger in their mouth and a soda in their hand. 
And if one day the posts just suddenly stop. And I become a faint memory... come back here. Seek in the depths of what I have tried to do. And continue to share that which I have tried over time to create. It is the only legacy I have to leave behind. It has always been based on Love. For my fellow souls, and what I hope has been in their best interests.
My Love To You All 

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